Maybe that's why i dont like it very much
At pinto, you felt you were in chile. Really felt it. And felt apart,disconnected, away.
I dont get that feeling here. And i like that feeling. It was peaceful. It helped you rest.

Posted via email from I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out how that could be.

I've got this friend. I've known him since the first day of uni when I sat down next to him. We've been friends ever since. And I fancy him, I think.

I like him, yeah and he is cute, but I have no desire to date him. It's weird. Cause I know my feelings for him are not just friendly but they are not entirely romantic either. I like him but I do not want to be with him. And I'm not entirely sure what to or if there is anything to do.

I really like hanging out together and it's not as if I get butterflies or anything. But I do feel something. Enough to make me wonder. And sometimes daydream. But it's rarely him. It's his face but not him.

I think if we were to get together we'd make a bad couple. I don't think we'd work together, we're too different, I guess.
We expect different things out of people and life. I think we're better off as friends and I'm not even sure if I want to be anything more.

But I do feel a certain attraction I cannot control and I'm not entirely sure of what to do about it. I wish it would stop. But I can't stop it. I don't even know how. It's a strange kind of crush And I'm bored of being teased about it And half the time I don't know what to say when people ask me if I like him. If I say no I feel a bit like lying and everybody thinks I'm lying anyway. It's fucking ridiculous. The whole class knows or think it knows how I feel. He gets teased too but not nearly as much. He teases me a lot but we've talked about it and it's all in good fun, it's his way of accepting me, flaws and all.

Sometimes I wonder why I like him when he can be such an ass, especially when we talk about something real. He can be immature and argues for the hell of it. He drinks too much and he is smart but I think he wastes it. He doesn't work as hard as he could at school and he can be irresponsible. He can be an ass like Nathan and like Chris he takes a 'fuck it' approach far too often. But he is fun, amusing, makes my life a whole lot more interesting and I like that he's willing to debate.

What I am trying to say is that I know his good and bad sides, we've fought,argued, stopped talking to each other but eventually we always have found a way back.

I wish we could just be friends without this weird thing between us. I'd rather just be the Donna to his Doctor than to feel like Martha

Sometimes I'm afraid I might be in love and in denial. That I've fallen for him without realising it. that I'm just scared. It'd be just like me. I'd really hate that.

I find myself thinking about all of this cause we just went on a beach trip and in between all the drinking some slurred yet honest conversations were had and it got me thinking.

Why am I so useless at dealing with other humans?

To my lj friends: there's a few of you who didn't get my ridiculous home made cards last year cause of limited funds. (post is expensive) so you are all first in line.

Posted via email from I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out how that could be.

this is a post about me and my life of not caring about any of it and my interest in stories beyond it and my recent interest in romance,at least.

whatever you call yourself, whether you’re straight, gay,lesbian,bi, or any other member of the alphabet soup folk, you care about sex, right? (unless you’re ace, of course)

love and human relationships are important, yes, but not every story needs to be about who’s shagging who.

it’s not like it should be all plot, because we’re all humans and no one is an island, my favourite stories are all about human relationships but not necessarily romantic ones. 

my favourite stories usually included the forming of a nakama, finding a home beyond home and forming a family beyond blood. two of my favourite writers, Whedon and Sorkin are all about that. and yes, there’s sex and romance and drama but it’s not just about that.

Harry Potter might be one of the wankiest fandoms ever, and mostly about shipping , and I’m not beyond that, I’m a Harry/Hermione shipper, but it’s also a series about love and family and friendship. because shipping wars wear out. I love Doctor Who and I’ll always ship Doctor/Rose but if the show were just about that, it’d bore me to death, I think. that’s what fanfic is for.

some shows do become about nothing else than relationships and they get boring. cause they focus on that and forget what made them good in the first place.

it’s what happened with the x files, and I say that as a huge MSR  shipper. IMO, Carter should’ve just got them together and continue the bloody conspiracy cases! but no, we got to see the UST stretch and stretch and stretch and then cause endless drama and ugh, everyone was sick of it. although the only decent bits of the new movie were the MSR bits. because the plot sucked so damn much. 

I’m a fangirl and I’m a shipper, but it’s not all I want. if it were, I’d watch soap operas. but I don’t. I like fantasy and sci fi.  and  I like relationships. of all kinds, not just romantic. which is one of the things I love about pixar, that unlike disney,they don’t do  the prince and the princess stories. they do father-son, grandfather-son, toys-and-owner, pet-and-human, etc. 

in my current nanowrimo  romance is really just padding.  lacy and effy may turn out to be important later on but right now, it’s just easy to write about them.

see, for the longest time  I didn’t see the point of any of time. I had a few crushes but nothing major or important ,well,one was rather important ,but nothing that made me feel I needed to have that person. or that I needed to date someone to be a worthwhile member of the human race which is the way I’ve seen so many people behave. 

and people think it’s weird you don’t date. that you’ve never had a boy or girl friend. they ask why, and I’m sure some think, what’s wrong with you, why do you care more about harry potter or doctor who than about having a love life.

I did try. I tried dating and kissing and it was just wrong, it felt wrong. it felt awkward and uncomfortable and I didn’t like it at all. so I just got bored and decided I was beyond trying. 

I figured, maybe one day I’ll meet someone and I’ll actually like them enough to try and do something, but I wasn’t particularly worried cause I never felt like something all that necessary, I guess.

a few years ago, I came across the label asexual and I thought ‘what’s that?’ and I googled and ended up at AVEN. and I thought ‘oh that is brilliant, it is totally me’ and so for a while I was comfortable identifying as asexual. it didn’t really mean much, it just name a name, an easy way to explain if anyone ask. but even when you say that people go ‘what’s that?’ and then you have to explain and they mostly think there’s either something wrong with you or that you need to get laid.

it’s partly why a friend like to call me sheldon or spock. partly my asexuality and partly cause I tend to act very vulcan most of the time. I use strange speech patterns and uncommon words and don’t get a lot of jokes and tend to be literal. 

(I started to write a story that I say it’s about a vulcan and human relationship in which a vulcan girl starts a relationship with a human girl with and it has its rather unique challenges as well as perks and discoveries. it got stalled after a bit, since there are some experiences that are complicated to write without experience)

I’ve never felt such, I don’t know, strong animal passion, lust, desire or anything like that. it sounds ridiculous. I see someone and I think they’re cute or hot or whatever and that’s it. 

but then this year I began to feel different. like a different part of me woke up. that part being my sexuality apparent. I always thought that if I were to meet a person I could fall in love with, gender really wouldn’t be an issue. the only people I’ve honestly liked, has been not cause they’re hot, but because I’ve gotten to know then and that when I’ve begun to like them.

but I just began to felt different, to feel what I guess would attraction towards other people. and I’ve began to notice people in the streets, just random people walking past, people in the bus or at uni. which is not something I’d really done before. other than to notice ‘hey-there’s-a-person-there’

and most of these feelings have lately been directed towards women more than men. both on the internet and IRL. and this has been the time when rizzoli and isles, lip service, lost girl started, and when I begun to watch skins. (which,btw, was because I kept seeing caps on tumblr of skins and it looked cool and it was one of those shows I always meant to watch so I started cause otherwise I feared it’d be spoiled) so I feel that by a strange coincidence, although I don’t really believe in coincidences, all this shows with lesbian content showed up, begging to be watched. like a fraking bat signal. although I suppose it’s not really a coincidence at all. I mean, I remember when I first started watching firefly, I think, then I started watching BSG and Stargate started airing and then I gave Star Trek TOS a chance and  was recced farscape… it felt like all this awesome scifi tv had jumped at me out of nowhere. I suppose it’s a similar occurrence. It’s all causality, really. they were all there ,I just happened to shift my POV so I actually saw them now.  

and because I am, at heart, a nerd, when I hear of a new topic, I have to do research. I can’t help myself.so I began looking at lgbt sites,culture,labels,info,etc. there’s lot of labels. I suppose I would fall under biromantic asexual, which is really quite a mouthful. or maybe more like demisexual since I’m not entirely devoided of sexual attraction. or I could just go with queer which seems to have become a rather umbrella word. I saw it on a novel the other day. originally it just meant someone unusual or strange. so I suppose I am, whichever meaning you want to go with. 

I still don’t really imagine myself having sex with anyone,regardless of gender. but, I do feel more open to the possibility of well, a love life I guess. dates,relationships, kissing.  I wouldn’t say sex is 100% out of the question, cause I’ve changed and may continue to do so. maybe one day there will be someone I will want to have sex with. just because it seems unlikely right now  doesn’t mean it’s impossible. 

there has been some anguish over liking girls cause it hadn’t really happened before but there is far more anguish and shock and many other feelings to the development of being sexually attracted to anyone at all. 

Imagine a game. sexual people are all playing the game. asexuals are the audience. and suddenly I feel like I’ve been drafted to play. and I’ve got no idea what I’m doing, which team am I in, the rules of the game, I’m not even sure  I want to play and I’m terrified someone is going to pass me the ball and expect me to do something and I’ll make a big disaster.

and I half-wish I could go back to watching cause it was easy and safe but I can’t, not really, since I never chose not to play the same play I didn’t choose to play. 

Posted via email from I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out how that could be.

Posted via email from I'm happy and sad, and still trying to figure out how that could be.